"It's not easy being an anglophone in Quebec. French-Quebecers think that you're as passionate as a snow tire, wine stewards automatically bring you the worst vintage, and you can't even go out for a quart of milk without worrying that your family will move to Toronto.

Worst of all, you end up feeling guilty for two hundred years of oppression that you didn't even get a chance to enjoy. So why not leave?

Because, it's home. Because every time that you visit Toronto, or Ottawa, or Calgary you feel as foreign as if you were in Addis Ababa. The people go to bed early, they all walk in straight lines and they don't know how to fête. Within hours, you miss home.

You miss the chaos of the streets, the quiet of Mount Royal and the scene on Rue St-Denis - even if you only go there when friends are in from out-of-town. You miss the french fries in the Laurentians and the fresh corn in the Eastern Townships... you miss the warmth of the people, if not always the government.

You miss conversations that you can't eavesdrop on, and people who you don't understand. You miss the romance, the allure, and the tension of being an "oppressed minority". You never know what's going to happen next.

You're a junkie, hooked on Quebec: you can't live with it and you can't live without it. You're stuck here forever, and you don't mind a bit.

This is a book by Quebec anglos who love this province, even when they're upset with her. It's written by people who are bothered with some things that are happening here, but bored by people who constantly complain about them. It's a book for those of us who never want to leave Quebec, and those of you who've left but wish you could come back.

It's meant to remind English-Quebecers that they have much to celebrate, even if they have reason to complain. And to remind French-Quebecers that even if we are as passionless as snow tires, we've still got soul. We hope you enjoy this book too, even when you think that you shouldn't.

Because in the end, of all our differences, there's at least one thing that English- and French-Quebecers have in common these days: we're all due for a good laugh.

À nos lecteurs français: soyez assurés que ce livre n'est pas sérieux du tout. Prenez-le comme une blague amicale; ce n'est rien qu'un "joke".

To our English readers: we mean every word of it." (Preface)

TABLE OF CONTENTS

A Voyage East - A Wilderness Guide to East-End Montreal / Mike Boone

Les Dialogues / Josh Freed

Le Instant French - It's Just English in Disguise / Stephen Phizicky

Le instant French - It's Just English in Disguise / Stephen Phizicky

Prayer or Profanity - A Guide to Cursing in Quebecois / Gerry Bergeron

Joining the Gentry / Elaine Shatenstein

Bringing Up Bébé - Why Does My Child Sound Like a French Garage Mechanic? / Victor Dabby and David Sherman

Functioning as a Fonctionnaire - On Becoming One of the Six English-Language Civil Servants in Quebec / Josh Freed

Special Refugee Section

Adopt an Anglo Foster Parent Plan / John Kalina

Letters Home / Karl Nerenberg, Ron Blumer, Les Nirenberg and Eleanor Wachtel

Car Wars - How to Cross a Montreal Street... and Live...

The Diary of Ian Frank - A Ghost Story for Refugee Children / Jon Kalina

The Guardian Anglos

La petite histoire du Québec (Version Anglaise) Nick Auf der Maur

An English-Speaking Street Guide to French Montreal

Paradise Lost

Walking Backward - A Unilingual Tour of Downtown Montreal / Kathryn O'Hara

Signing Off

Treason in the Townships - A Tale of Two Toponymies / Charles Bury

Test Your A.Q. (Anglo Quotient) - Are You Licensed to Speak English? / Graeme Decarie Graeme Decarie

Stepping H'Out / Wayne Gribsby and Katie Malloch

Le Jacques Strap - How to Become a French Athletic Supporter / Michael Farber and Mike Boone

Le Joual - The True Story... Finally Told in English / Gerry Bergeron

Le mot final - From One Minority to Another / Serge Grenier

The Anglo Integration Quiz